I am 23 weeks along. My belly is getting big. I can't bend over. I can't see my feet. My feet are swollen. My back hurts. I'm constipated. I'm emotional (what's new). I get out of breath walking up the stairs. I'm starting to waddle.
In spite of all these normal pregnancy woes, I'm doing pretty well. But I haven’t handled it as well as I would like. The biggest challenges for me are back pain and sleep issues. And I know that there are more to come. I do not deal with physical adversity well. Actually, I don’t handle any type of adversity well. It just brings me down. Every ache or pain becomes huge in my mind, a trial I may have to deal with for the rest of this pregnancy. Instead of taking it one day at a time, I think, “How am I ever going to survive the next four months?!?” You’d think, after all the aches and pains that have been temporary (most of them), I would stop being so melodramatic.
And if my bad attitude and complaining weren’t bad enough…then I start beating myself up for not being able to handle it better. I look at my mom, who never complains, and seems to be joyful all the time, no matter what. She loved being pregnant. She's probably forgetting the parts she didn't like. I wish I could handle myself as gracefully.
On the other hand...it’s amazing. I love the feeling of carrying this child inside me, knowing that he’s always with me. He’s my little sidekick. I love feeling him move, and daydreaming about life with him, and what he will be like. I absolutely adore seeing Joshua’s excitement about Malachi, and the way he takes care of me. We are already a little family, and Joshua is our protector. I love that during the really uncomfortable days, I know I would go through ten times more if it meant having Malachi at the end of it. And throughout those moments, I have a deep awareness that every discomfort and inconvenience, every ache and pain, every emotional train wreck, is for him. They are sacrifices for my little love.
The kindnesses that people offer me because of my "condition" don't hurt either. I can't say I mind taking the comfy chair, or the massages, or being propelled to the front of the line. Not yet anyway. And I love the smiles that I get around town when people see my belly.
So, when I'm asked if I like being pregnant, I'm not sure how to answer. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. But I always love that I am pregnant.